Transmissions from North Korea

Transcript 4

‘How to cope with potential disaster – possibly the greatest title I have ever come across for a hotel’s information booklet, more often than not looking at the darker side of life, should the establishment shudder in an earthquake, fall prey to a bomb attack from the US, or become a victim of fire – all and more are covered in this noble of in house publications, complete with a photo of the said Wankado Hotel gracing the front cover just for good measure. If you haven’t guessed by the sarcastic tones readers that it is Broadsword here once again, feeling slightly better now I’ve been supping on the quality draught beer from the bar downstairs ironically called The Tea Room. It will surely clash with the trommies taken earlier, but it has eased the irritation somewhat. I have also relieved the tension of the assignment by whacking golf balls into the Tsong River in the craziest driving range I have had the pleasure of playing at. I wouldn’t put it past the great leader forcing Huey and Duey into Frogmen diving outfits after dark in an attempt to retrieve my golfing shots from the bottom of the riverbed, ready to be recycled for the next club swinging foreigner, ready to impress. Another visit was had to the Pyongyang Casino, this time without Mister Mayagi checking my pulse. With a lack of punters in there as all other western rebels were being chaperoned on official cattle tours of the capital and no locals at the blackjack tables as they were banned from entering, the place took on the mantle of a derelict gambling den, jettisoned from the nineteen eighties, now I know where all the discarded fruit machines go, when retired from Vegas, as these fuckers still had the pulley handles dishing out the cash, if at all the bastard worked. I merely played for fun, not daring to feel the wrath of the house, although it was the only place that offered decent Tequila in these parts. Believe me readers this was like a ride through Tim Burton’s interpretation of a sinister Euro Disney. On one hand there were the facilities all seemingly genuine enough to use and enjoy, however containing dark undertones, whose proprietors were stage managed to give you what you want – except the bloody winnings in the casino, as if I were in my own world like Jim Carey in the Truman show. Was this the Rosenthal show being beamed across North Korea on its own communist People’s Education Culture TV, the great leader having a laugh at my expense and if true they can hear and see what I am doing right now – talking to you the reader.’ Subject pauses and can be heard tapping the wall for bugs and hidden cameras. ‘We’re safe readers and even if we are being filmed, we’ll never get to see it in the rebel western world, all I need now is for the sun to fall out of the sky and reveal itself as a huge lamp. Tea time will soon be upon us, along with the robots, still I have a bottle of fruit beer to supp and then it’s off to the revolving restaurant upstairs, it has been pointed out though not to become alarmed if it stops spinning halfway through its cycle – this is normal practice. Broadsword over for now.’ Tape ends