Transmissions from North Korea

Transcript One
‘Broadsword calling Danny Boy, Broadsword calling Danny Boy – message over’
‘The great leader could be listening to this Dictaphone message at anytime, in fact I may have to end this conversation right now...’ tape noises suggest subject is running to the door with muffled noises of the subject tapping the walls.
‘No it’s ok readers, we are ok to continue with this transmission. I am back in my room now, perched on the 34th floor of the Yangakdo Hotel, in the heart of downtown Pyongyang, North Korea. I am talking quietly not only to fool the great leader and his totalitarian regime, but also as there is no traffic noise outside – fuck knows why, it’s quite an eerie scene, something to be experienced for the traveller. After spending two nights in Beijing, China, flying with their national carrier – Air China, then sitting for three hours waiting for my visa to be sorted, then taken for the rollercoaster ride that is Air Koryo – North Korea’s airline, then meeted and greeted by my guides for the entire stay and this call sign is struggling to keep up with it all.
Hang on readers, whilst I just turn the shower on to confuse the enemy’ background noise of bathroom appliances being switched on and sniggering of the subject.
‘That will give me five minutes extra without the great leader becoming suspicious. I have been told by fellow inmates that the reason this hotel is handpicked for tourists is the fact that it is perched on an island in the middle of a river – the Tsong or whatever it’s called, I don’t give a fuck. Anyways the fact it’s on an island means no fucker can escape without Huey and fucking Duey downstairs checking up on me, escorting me here, gently pushing me to selected spots of the North Korean capital. Others in the hotel have strict itineraries, however I have already mentioned to Huey and Duey about the fact that I would be more than happy to stay put inside the Yangakdo, now known as the Wankado. It has after all its own casino, bar and gentleman’s club – fuck me I could be in Benidorm or Antwerp or Amsterdam, never mind North Korea. Besides if I stay indoors theres less chance of me causing a diplomatic incident –taking the wrong photo of Kim Jung getting out the wrong side of bed, or one of his foot soldiers wielding George Bushes’ axis of evil in his hand. The Wankado even has its own golf course – not that I’m one for the game but I’ll give it a go seen as no one else seems to be playing. Readers it sounds luxurious but it aint, but It’ll do. That’s it for now before the great leader sends his henchmen up to my room. Broadsword out’. Tape is paused.